Guilt and Some Other Things

7/5/23

I KEEP WRITING BUT NOTHING SEEMS TO BE COMING OUT THE WAY I WANT IT TOO. I feel like lately I am having a hard time conceptualizing what is going on. Not only in my head, but everywhere else. And how it seems to be impacting me.

I think part of the reason I am having a hard time writing is because there is a lot I want to talk about that I don’t necessarily want to share. I mean, I would feel better, but I’m not sure others would. Which, I suppose, is people pleasing in a way. Because I am having a hard time finding the light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t see it from here. And sometimes the bad decisions seem like the easiest, most manageable things I can do. Short term I’m okay, long term… not so much. Because without the light, why would I care if I make the right decision or not?

I try so hard…all the time. Yet even when I make good choices, I still am looked down upon by others. Because my version of hard work comes in a different form than others versions of hard work. If you know what I mean. I feel lazy, and out of control. But in reality, I am just doing what I need to do right now for me. And not for anyone else. Sometimes I forget this though. And I have to reread what I just wrote in this paragraph in order to move past the feeling.

I’ve felt a lot of guilt for my thoughts in the past week or two, because I feel as though I am taking on the victim mentality of my life. I feel like I am choosing to look at my life in this negative view in order to feel as though my decisions are valid. I was never one to play victim, but to be honest… I feel like I am playing the game right now. Although, my stomach seriously tightens up because I can’t seem to find the way out of it. And maybe I need to recognize that this is for a reason and I can’t necessarily blame myself for it, but it is a place I really don’t want to be. I think the real issue is that I really need help, and when I try to ask for help, people seem to get too carried away with the other stressors in life. Also, I have a hard time saying what I want and communicating things in the right way. And I get it because life is stressful, but I feel as though I am in a really hard spot right now. And the only way out is out. WOW that was a lot to admit to not only you guys, but to myself, too. Sometimes the hard truths are things you don’t want to admit. I can say I am “wildly independent” and can handle life on my own, but sometimes I really need someone. And the only way to get that is through words, not actions. Well, at least not in this case. So I suppose that will be the next goal.

So I guess here's to keep on keeping on. I don’t feel like I have a reason to right now, but I guess sometimes it just is what it is. Here’s to communicating how I feel in every way, even if it breaks me. Because even the most important things in my life don’t matter, unless I can find a way to make me feel like I matter. And you do too… just keep going.